My brain is all over the map lately.
I’m lonely for people. I miss select ones. I want to see them in person. Or at least talk on a more regular basis. But if I reach out and am the recipient of a delayed response (or no response), my mind-set is that I’m a horrid person and should not bother people. It’s what I deserve.
Mom’s been gone 5 years. There’s a new life in the family who I wish so desperately to talk to her about, and I think she would adore. I think Daddy would too. I can’t even really grasp how that feels for my sister. I can imagine, but I’m not convinced it’s accurate.
I miss the memory of certain friends, and what they were like, even though I know they’re not like that now. I know, from Facebook or casual notes, that they are painfully different now.
I’m painfully different. And the same. I feel like Anne Shirley in that I feel too much, I suspect. And yet, I pass for a normal functioning adult most of the time.
I want to rescue all the cats. I want a giant home with self-cleaning litter boxes and nooks and crannies and libraries and studies and bedrooms and sun rooms to house myself and them in. It would never work, but if somehow I could do that, with maybe a small coffee and tea and pastries room, and a writing garret, I think I’d be very happy.
I adore my husband. And he loves me. And that’s very nice, for a change. It still doesn’t seem quite real, though. And it’s going on two years married, and ten years dating/living in the same state. (Going on eleven years since first date. Both of them. His first date was different than my first date.)
I wish for… a lot of things. More connection, more real connection. And yet, I do feel so different from so many people that I want less connection because that connection makes obvious how odd I am. How much the things I care about differ from people I might interact with on a daily basis. And it’s very upsetting to me, to realize that things I see as important, other people see as fringe and not important.
I don’t know. I just … wanted to write it out, in the hopes that it would calm my brain, slightly.