Random Thoughts

My brain is all over the map lately.

I’m lonely for people. I miss select ones. I want to see them in person. Or at least talk on a more regular basis. But if I reach out and am the recipient of a delayed response (or no response), my mind-set is that I’m a horrid person and should not bother people. It’s what I deserve.

Mom’s been gone 5 years. There’s a new life in the family who I wish so desperately to talk to her about, and I think she would adore. I think Daddy would too. I can’t even really grasp how that feels for my sister. I can imagine, but I’m not convinced it’s accurate.

I miss the memory of certain friends, and what they were like, even though I know they’re not like that now. I know, from Facebook or casual notes, that they are painfully different now.

I’m painfully different. And the same. I feel like Anne Shirley in that I feel too much, I suspect. And yet, I pass for a normal functioning adult most of the time.

I want to rescue all the cats. I want a giant home with self-cleaning litter boxes and nooks and crannies and libraries and studies and bedrooms and sun rooms to house myself and them in. It would never work, but if somehow I could do that, with maybe a small coffee and tea and pastries room, and a writing garret, I think I’d be very happy.

I adore my husband. And he loves me. And that’s very nice, for a change. It still doesn’t seem quite real, though. And it’s going on two years married, and ten years dating/living in the same state. (Going on eleven years since first date. Both of them. His first date was different than my first date.)

I wish for… a lot of things. More connection, more real connection. And yet, I do feel so different from so many people that I want less connection because that connection makes obvious how odd I am. How much the things I care about differ from people I might interact with on a daily basis. And it’s very upsetting to me, to realize that things I see as important, other people see as fringe and not important.

I don’t know. I just … wanted to write it out, in the hopes that it would calm my brain, slightly.

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About amusedreams

Semi-Geek, Bibliophile, Cat Person. I post about life stuff. Music, books, food, wine, CHOCOLATE, and geek stuff.

3 responses to “Random Thoughts”

  1. tomroush says :

    I hope this calmed your mind, too. A lot of it sounds very, very familiar. I hope the thinking’ allowed you to get some clarity. Take care, k?

    Liked by 1 person

    • amusedreams says :

      It’s nice to know I’m not quite so strange, in another’s eyes. I think it probably helped. January is a difficult time, and I honestly don’t recall other than once written it was easier to set the thoughts aside for a moment.

      Writing is good. It can be cathartic getting words the way I want them to be. This was a good post, in that regard.

      Thank you for reaching out!

      Like

      • tomroush says :

        You’re very welcome. Writing helps me to understand and then often let go of things. And sometimes, the phrase,”and it got me thinking” creeps into the stories, and that’s when you can tell I’m starting to understand it. :-). Take care.

        Liked by 1 person

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