Winter is Hard

So, I’ve written before about having a complicated relationship with fall and the holidays. Since I was a kid, I’ve loved the fall and then through til Christmas the most. Even New Years was special, to a degree. We could see fireworks on TV and occasionally out the windows if one of the people in the country shot some off. My birthday was just this summer thing. And while I enjoy summer, I used to get so excited for Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas.

And I still do. I love the excuse to hand out candy and wear silly outfits and watch silly almost scary movies.

I love the food that goes into Thanksgiving and thinking about the last year, and life in general, and what there is to be thankful for.

I love sparkling lights and pretty paper at Christmas. I love giving gifts to people. I love thinking up neat ideas for those gifts. I love the food (although in many ways it’s exactly the same as Thanksgiving, for my family traditions).

And yet.

Hard things have happened. And for some reason, even as I’ve moved on in some ways from those things, and they stab less, they still bring a grey cloud to the world. I miss Domino. I miss my nephew-cat being in my sister’s life. I miss my dad. I miss my mom.

Today has been both not-so-bad and abruptly horrible. Today is my dad’s birthday, and also the day he died. A thing happened that normally would irritate me a little bit, but isn’t outside the realm of expectation for the person and situation involved. Instead, because of finding out about it today, it’s horribly upsetting and frustrating and I really desperately want to yell and sob at that same person. Even though I know what happened isn’t intentional. Even though I know that person is upset about the situation in general.

I’ve been both more patient and less patient than I would expect or hope for, this whole season so far. I’m wary about Christmas, and still looking forward to it. I expect to enjoy it, and have some dark moments late in the evening.

It’s hard, because I don’t want to MAKE the moments dark by preparing for them, but I also want to be prepared for if it does go dark by realizing the underlying reasons why.

Thankfully, my husband is very patient, and thoughtful. And he has come up with a very good idea for February. I’m not sure he knows how much I’m looking forward to it, but I really am. For a few days, we get to get away and go to the coast. It will be good. I’m hoping it will be at the right time to help really shake me loose from the holiday blues.

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About amusedreams

Semi-Geek, Bibliophile, Cat Person. I post about life stuff. Music, books, food, wine, CHOCOLATE, and geek stuff.

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