What Keeps Me Awake
All these thoughts. Rattling ’round in my head.
Am I crazy to feel guilty for leaving a place that I loved? That found work for me when they didn’t have to? That tried their best to give me as many hours as they could? People I care about say I gave them more time than [ I should have | others would have | necessary ] but I wanted so much to retire there. For so many reasons. Even though I made the right choice and am excited for new things, I am so sad simultaneously.
My friend wrote me! He is doing well! I am so happy! So relieved! And… A bit complicated feeling with grief. My internet daughter is gone. Sort of. But still here. But changed. I can learn my friend anew. I am so thankful that one of the horrible things I feared did not happen. I am so thankful he reached out to me.
I worry, in the back of my mind, about so many things. It just is. It’s a quiet susurration of wishes and prayers and dreams for the worst not to be | the best scenario to bloom into reality. Health for so many. Love for all. Hope. When I stop and enumerate the actual things that flicker with lights at the edge of my consciousness I understand Pandora’s box and how Hope must be.
I want. Sometimes things I shouldn’t. To be what I’m not | will never be. To do things I likely shall not ever do and truly don’t want to experience. It’s just the curious bits inside me wanting to know “what would happen if?” teasing me. Keeping me awake when I should be sleeping.