Sad Anniversaries Get Under My Skin
I have mood fluctuations that are the normal sort, but because I can be a curious about order/patterns and because of having gone to a therapist for most of a year in my past and because I overthink in general, I sort of try to track them in a lazy way. If I were more ordered, and more prone to lists, and more worried that I were looking at something like true chronic depression, I’d probably be keeping a calendar.
In fact, I have kept calendars for things in the past. I usually give it up when I realize that nope, it’s a normal cycle tied to hormones or Major Event memories.
It’s still frustrating.
For instance, I’ve been fighting a low-grade feeling of frustration, depression and general urge to rail at the world, cry, beg for attention, and hide from the world all at once. It’s annoying when your brain wants to do very contradictory things all at once. But it’s February, and more than that, it’s right around Groundhog’s Day. So of course it makes sense that I’d be feeling that way. 10 years ago, the divorce of my first marriage happened on Groundhog’s Day. We went before a judge, agreed that what the lawyer had drawn up was what we thought was fair, and the judge signed the paper, which we then took down another hall to pay to have recorded.
I’m extremely happy to be married to the man I’m married to now. My husband is considerate, sweet, does chores simply because he knows I don’t like doing them as well, brings me grocery store flowers because he knows they will make me smile, and in general is a good man.
I’m also happier being me and not hiding as much of myself as it turns out I used to. I laugh more, am honest about things that bother me rather than arguing Devil’s Advocate positions. (I still think about them, because my brain works that way, but if I decide that I don’t agree, I don’t worry about it as much as I did before.)
In general, it turns out that divorce was a good thing. It was still incredibly miserable when it happened. I didn’t want to give up on that marriage when I did. I still believe my ex-husband was a good man in general, even if we weren’t good together. It was still basically 11 years of my life that “didn’t work” or “were wasted” if I’m feeling particularly negative. And my body and brain apparently still get hung up on that. It’s annoying, even when (maybe especially when) I know why my body is doing it.
So I try to do other things or just remind myself gently that “hey, your brain is being stupid because this is a sad anniversary, but you can still be happy, anyway”. Sometimes that helps.
And sometimes I just have to play a stupid puzzle game, or read, or play music to distract myself until my body and brain move on to the next thing.